This is me: The song in my heart

Who am I? This question has been hammering through my head lately- beating a relentless march in my heart, soul and mind.  Normally, I would say I know myself well but lately I’ve not been so sure;  I’ve made some decisions that have really got me questioning myself.  I’ve been listening to The Greatest Showman soundtrack and one of the songs “This is me” is on continual repeat.  I can’t get enough- its message of love, acceptance and self-worth speaks to my very inner workings. So as I listen to this song over and over, it’s affirmative statement of “this is me” has me feeling uplifted, inspired, and truth be told, disappointed in myself.  Forcing me to face the fact that things just don’t feel right: I don’t feel in sync with my authentic self.

I’ve always felt I understood myself well: what makes me tick, what fires up my soul, what moves me, sustains me and thrills me.  But I seem to have stepped off the path of self-recognition into some unknown territory.  I know you have to get out of your comfort zone and walk the untraveled path to live a life of greatness and fulfillment. (I even wrote a blog post about it.) Therein lies the problem: I’m walking along a new path, but something about it doesn’t seem right, or inspiring, or well, me.

How did I get here?  I used to know exactly who I was and who I wanted to be. Then we made some big life decisions that somehow, along the way, knocked me off the path towards my true self.  I was worried that our lifestyles couldn’t sustain our new money commitments and I balked.  I took on jobs I wasn’t truly passionate about, spreading myself thin and thus, setting into motion my current almost-identity-crisis.

I didn’t notice the impact the changes had on my life until recently. Maybe because the changes at first were unnoticeable, or they were noticeable, but I brushed them off as a part of my new identity, the new me.  I was learning new skills, balancing ALL my tasks with finesse and ease (so I told myself), keeping my head down and getting shit done.  (Note that “getting shit done” here means earning a paycheque.) Then, little by little, I caught myself making choices I previously wouldn’t have considered.  And to top it off, making excuses for those choices.  A freaking domino effect of life choices gone astray.

A friend suggested I let go of my new commitments which, I know, makes perfect sense.  In a perfect world.  But the reality of it is, there are people counting on me and I’ve come to count on the money.  I feel pulled in opposite directions with my mind screaming like a banshee about dollar signs ,while my heart is lovin’ on joy and freedom.  Is this the rhythm I want to drive the soundtrack of my life, this feeling of stumbling down a path of discontentment?  How easy it was for me to trade my values of time freedom, trail blazing and living to the beat of my own drum for the almighty buck.  Unfortunately, too easy.  So how can we hang onto our ideals and everything of importance in our lives when there’s so many distractions that can knock us off the right track?

I consider myself a hustler, a mover, a shaker, a warrior. Believer and confidante of the universe, strong and authentic, a square peg in a round hole.  Did I tuck my tail between my legs and sell my soul when things got tough? Or can I look at this from a different perspective and act less passively towards growth and self-discovery? Can I  resolve to come through every challenge and experience better, braver and maybe more like the me I’m becoming: More bruised, bust up in the arena of life and proud of every scar.  It’s in putting the pieces back together that we get to know ourselves even better.  So maybe I’m still on the right path.  A detour with a view straight into my soul, a scavenger hunt full of ups & downs, hide & seek and sidesteps.  A one-way ticket to evolution, self worth and pride. A passport stamped into my very essence with this unique journey of wrong turns, corrected directions and the ultimate thrill of getting there.

In true Warrior style, I’ll certainly get knocked down on my way to being my truest and best version of me, but I’ll ground down and root up, with one hand in the future and one in the past: Strong, centered and able to roll with the punches. Moving forward with grace and persistent determination and courage. Releasing my need for non-change and instead of looking back on what I used to be, allowing myself to focus on who I’m meant to be.  To borrow the lyrics from my fave song: Look out ’cause here I come and I’m marching on to the beat I drum, this is me!

Are there times when you find yourself out of sync with your true self? What are some of the ways that get yourself back on track to self love and good vibes? Let me know in the comments. xo

This version of the song is a real tearjerker and I just wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t share it here with you:


2 thoughts on “This is me: The song in my heart

  1. Christine says:

    The struggle is real. Been feeling this way for a few years now. You are much more graceful about it than I am though! Keep on keepin on Ashlea. A new door will open soon. Keep the faith and remember Things Are Always Working Out for ME!!


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